15.10.2008

what a strange combination of numbers to leave for Mozambique.

on my way to you

this is it. it's here... the first goodbye. i'll be back in 5 weeks and i'm sure so much will change until then... and here i am desperately holding on to so many things. i know there is still so much to do, so much to miss, and right now it is all so overwhelming.

i am trying very hard not to let go... but at the same time if i hold on to everything here i won't be able to open my arms again to... home.

antwerp, please wait for me, this isn't my final goodbye... it will never be.

tot ziens a'pen, tot 19 augustus!!!

5 days to lisbon

there have been a lot of countdowns lately in my life, you and the other girls have made it possible to always at the beginning of the day have a small countdown to our next big event.
it started with the weekend in Dublin, then with Celia's wedding, then with you moving back to Lisbon... then with Sofia's wedding... and even though this last one still will go on for another 15 days, in 4 days i will be going home.

i keep thinking this is ok. this is just the first step of a very long goodbye. but i can't help but be sad. everytime i have something planned these last days, it's the last time. i will be back in one month, but then it will only another 10 days for me stay here, and saying goodbye in a hurry isn't the way i'd preferred doing this.

i've got TO DO lists that keep growing because everyday i realize something else needs to be done, or written, or said or signed, or closed, or packed. and still i think i haven't done anything.

still to do:
- pick up University documents
- pick up Board of Architects documents (and pay my bill)
- Standard CV
- close the electricity account
- close the tv account
- close internet account
- close bank account
- sell furniture

these things take time and i feel that i still haven't got enough of it.

maybe i should just see this trip to lisbon, as what it really is for now, another holiday. greet says in order to not get sad "you're just going for a holiday like you always do... so this isn't goodbye... yet"
that's what it is... why be so sad now?
because cookie girl will be 7 months when i come back and she'll be able to sit up straight and maybe even put her feet on the floor and giggle so much more.
i'll be back... but now i've got bags to do, because in a way i know you're there with all the girls waiting for me and that means that i'll be sad for just a little bit.

catalog 2005-2008

i'm selling my stuff. it's going pretty well, i have most things sold, other things i've decided to just give away... others still need to make someone convinced that they need these things. like the sofa. doesn't anyone need a sofa?

didn't think it'd be so much work being a small version of IKEA!






so this catalog has been fun though, putting it together, watching people's reaction to what we've managed to collect over these 3 years. some things mean a lot to me and to A.T. and some things are hard to give up.
but we really can't be bothered with taking everything with us to Mozambique or even to Lisbon in september.
so this is a sort of a tribute to what we lived here. this way, one day when i come back i'll see my t stuff being used to it's best value.




maybe rosie will use the coffee tables as her doll-tea-party table. i like to think she'll grown up the next 2 years using them, or the blankets i've put aside for her, or that her bedroom will be vaccumed with my so dear vaccum-cleaner!
and i also need the money and what better way to do it than with a much modern version of an american garage sale. if only IKEA would hire our graphic skills!!!! eheheheh

if you find something in this catalog that is to your liking please let me know, i'll see if it's still available. but remember you can only want something if you live in belgium... i am not selling anything that then has to travel to another country... that is not the point of this whole process.

have i ever told you i’m happy

I probably haven’t in a while, and amazingly I didn’t think it was important. Strange how one is always willing to tell about the bad moments of their lives, and then when you finally seem as happy as you can be, you somehow don’t find the time to tell anyone let alone the ones who matter.

The reasons for my happiness lately are various, thankfully I need a lot of things, small things, small details in my life to make me feel happy… and eventhough I never say it out loud I know it shows.

So now you’re home. did I mention I’m happy?! Yes, I’m happy because I know the city of our dreams is almost complete, it’s bigger with you, it’s sunnier and so much more beautiful. This has made this last month so much easier, knowing that those who have missed you in the last 18 months have the chance to see you so much more. I don’t pretend you’re not going through a crazy period, a in between feeling of being home and also being still away. It’s nice to know you’re taking care of your own home where J. will soon join you as soon as he’ll pack you’re final moments in Dublin to join you in this new and exciting new part of your life. I heard you’ve ordered sofas, and furniture, which for someone who gets stuff always missed up seems like such a big step!!! Eheh, I know probably you dad gave you a hand and if he didn’t I’m very proud, maybe the cold up in Ireland really made you speed up things!!!! I can just see you all so panicky in the middle of all the things you brought, you kept, and you still have to look through!

Knowing you’re in Lisbon makes me relaxed.

I am so proud of all the things you have done, all the choices you ever made, probably never told you this either, but looking back I realise we all do things we might not understand why, or how, but I’m sure somewhere along the line we, me, you will be sure whatever we did we did it for the best…

And that is also why now we shouldn’t look back in choices we made for our future… yes because I know that even if it takes you some time to get used to the idea of being back home, you have made this choice a while back and this I know you were sure of… it take some time, but you know you made it right the moment you said it.

Maybe I’ll also be able to see it.

Will I ever see Mozambique as a positive choice I’ve made also, I hope so because right now I feel like it is the best thing I’ve decided to do, but I just breaks my heart to let go of so many things… again.

It’s not just moving somewhere else, where a plane flies to in 3hours or less. It is Africa.

It is as I know it the end of the world… but such a beginning.

It is so hard at this moment to explain why, and what for and what if and what if not. People ask and I wish I had better answers. But then again, I came o Antwerp with probably less answers and less certainties, and guess what, it’s been 3 years and I have people I will say goodbye to that just the thought makes me cry right now.
Is it true we can’t put a person in our bags when we fly? Will TAP notice I’m taking special people inside my luggage? Will these people survive a 10 hour flight in the luggage compartment? Greet would definitely, as long as Rosie was there with her! Sofie would probably want to join since she always loves a girls’ thing. Kris would come ‘cause he’d have space to build his wooden cabin. Luca would say yes ‘cause african girls are beautiful. Lily would cry a bit but if Nathalie and Marco would come she’s feel more at ease. Farcesca and Dominik would because he’ll have plenty of land to bike, and she’ll love the sun and can yell all she wants.

Me?

I’m going… not in the luggage but with plenty of bags. I’m going because… because I believe this is it. This is my future right in front of me. No matter what that means… I feel it. I’ve never been this happy.

Do you know I’m in love also? …I guess that’s for another time.

14 hours of work to go… 18 days to go to Lisbon for holidays… and 108 day to Africa… more or less, I hope less… no, more… less….

Ok, so I wanna go but I don’t wanna leave. (are you with me?)

dublin.ie

The recipe for a great weekend probably isn't putting 6 girls in 10m² for 5 days. but believe it or not, it can work!

Dublin wouldn't have been the same if we hadn't shared it together, the rain would have been wetter, the cold, colder, the appartment too big, the walks too long, the sun not enough, the shopping not fun and most importantly, the conversations would've made more sense, would have had an end and our heads wouldn't have called for silence in the end.

Conversations changed between one girl leaving Ireland, one wanting to move to Mozambique, one getting married in 15 days, another in 3 months, one who just got promoted but can't go to Angola anymore, or maybe yes still, and one that is new to the group but made quite an impression becoming our personal GODMOTHER... and last but not least one who stayed in Lisbon because she is a proud mother of a beautiful baby but would give her up for a weekend with us... of course, the 10m² would have been enough also for her.
never did such a tiny environment become so cosy so quickly, and even with our recomended small trolleys we made that space feel like our home.
this though took a little effort, we had to kick out the man of house so 6 histerical women could move in, we ate on the floor eventhough there was a table, we were 4 in one room, and 2 in the livingroom in a couch that only lovers would sleep in because only someone who knows you that well could fit so closely.

The other 4, including me, were cramped up in the "master bedroom" where to get to any bed we'd have to climb over these "watery" matresses that somehow during the night would lose all their air, and where basically you'd have to put just one foot, because the moment you'd put your second foot and attempt a step, you'd look like you were trying too hard to surf!

I still have dificulty in trying to understand what went on during these 5 days, and maybe the most important part of it was the animal jungle we went to, called PENNEYS, where basically you forget there's a world outside and enter this twilight zone of cheat shopping! I went in for a jacket, i came out with one jacket, 3 dresses, 3 pairs of underwear. the others?
well, they went in for nothing and came out with souvenirs for next christmas!!!!!

It's hard to explain exactly the void i felt when monday morning after the girls had left to fly back home, Darjeeling had left for work and i looked around and while i made the girly appartment become once more the home of a very cute couple, i almost felt sad for all that silence, actually i had to turn off the "girls of the playboy mansion" reality show on tv, otherwise silence is something you'll never feel, apparently that's the only show on irish tv! looking around me and knowing that in a couple of hours i myself would be flying back to where someone was waiting for me (in the lazy sense of waiting) and i desperately wanted all the girls back, i wanted to hear that constant noise, that constant complaining, good complaining, that constant make-up session, that continuously shopping, those sweet teas and scones, that pleasant feeling of gossip, those wierd confessions, the effortless digital fotography, the adult comments of wives-to-be, those dreamy sighs... and that beautiful friendship.


This weekend was exactly that, an explosion of friendship, and contradictory i wanted to get away, but i know throughout these 6 years i've been away, i know that this feeling is the best feeling, the wanting to be together, to overwhelm ourselves with so much information that none of this info stays in our heads for long. what stays is that warm feeling you have that all those girls, are connected no matter what, we are friends to eachother and for eachother.

This is what Dublin will always be for me, not only where you live but where we were all with you...

2 days to dublin

http://portuguesbrasileiro.istockphoto.com/index.php

and i'm packing away... i know, i know, your littel house isn't very big, we'll be 6 histerical girls so i know luggage needs to be controlled, but that's way i've started already. i'm packing and unpacking for the next 2 days... it makes me feel already there!!!
never thought you'd be the one making me go to Dublin...

3 days to dublin

it's over.
next step is waiting, simply waiting for the competition results... maybe one day i can show you girls. 15:00 and finally i'm going to relax...
3 days of continuous stressing and worrying... now, i'll enjoy the 3 days before seeing you in dublin!!!

4 days to dublin

http://portuguesbrasileiro.istockphoto.com/index.php

tomorrow is it. deadline just around the corner. a whole weekend thrown out of the window just because architecs still think that you can change anything you want 24 hours before the due date... well, i've been working the whole weekend and hopefully i can sleep tonight...
i have a million things to do and so little time.
hopefully i can have 5 minutes to stare at an irish flag and just imagine that i'll be outta here so soon!!

6 days to dublin

www.casacoamarelo.blogspot.com

and a deadline on monday at an hour i haven't understood when and with a boss breathing down my neck expecting me to read her dreams... it's a competition and 3 days to deadline and she's still changing things. sometimes, if i could just YEEEELLLLLL!

8 days to dublin

MOSTLY CLOUDY, here, there and anywhere apparently...

i am freezing, it's so cold i think i'll freeze somewhere between home and work... hopefully not when a tram is about to surpass me even though i'm so little and innofensive when i ride my bike.
please tell me things will get better, weather wise at least, the tram will eventually kill me i know! in 8 days i want SUN!

10 days to dublin

nothing like a weekend with 5 other friends in a strange city, at least for 3 of us, to celebrate the fact that 2 of them are getting married, 1 might be going to asia, 1 is controlling businesses in africa... and me... well, i told you, i will wait 'till i'm there to let you know

BOM DIA!

daqui

ao papá Luis e ao papá Alvaro!!

bazaruto

if i hadn't been there myself not even the images of google earth would've made me believe it was true.
the island of Bazaruto takes literally your breath away... of course there were 50 degrees under the sun and that basically took out your breath. but the gigantic dune of sand (duh) in front of me seemed so amazing i couldn't stop laughing. there was nothing i could do but laugh... say "shit!" and thank God in a low voice thanking him to let me live long enough to see this.

i kept looking around me, almost as if to let the world know about it, i wanted to say "i'm here" "i've made it" and "it's real", i would've called everyone to let them know, but in a place like this there is no place for mobile phones... none whatsoever. the telephones were dead... and with that slowly i realised this was a moment in a lifetime where someone drops you off in a corner of the world and tells you to enjoy it to the fullest for 1 whole day.

i did...

there were no colors except for blue, light blue, dark blue, pink blue, yellow blue, white blue, green blue, sea blue, turquoise blue, orange blue... whatever blue, it was there... i saw all the different tones of blue... actually i now believe there is only one color on this planet, BLUE... the rest humans created from it.

wherever you looked you saw space... almost but different as in Gorongosa, only here it was the ocean... the so beloved Indian Ocean my mother says it's the most beautiful she's ever seen... as i sat on that warm and soon-to-be very hot sand i took deep breaths and smiled, laughed, probably cried thinking i almost ended up missing this... and i was surprised by the tricks and trips your mind does when it's confronted with a place like this.
the first question couldn't be other than "what the heck am i doing in belgium?" and the next one wasn't a question... it was a goal "what if i lived here, would i see it like i'm seeing it now? is it possible to take this for granted? to forget that it exists? will the cold of belgium make me too sensitive for these things or will it make it dissapear too soon from my mind?"

i guess that's just up to me...
the same way my family always made sure i knew exactly what it was like to live here and how the dirt smelled, how the sun burnt, how the wind blew, how the trees swayed and how the monkeys laughed, i am trying to explain how blue the ocean is, how warm the sand felt, how far the horizon layed, how red i became, how happy A.T. was and how scary it was at first to jump in the water later on and snorkle for the first time...
see bicuka, it's not that scary they said... Antonio held my hand, this young dark guy, held my hand so i wouldnìt stay inside the boat... i wasn't scared of the water, i'd live in water if i could, it wasn't because i couldn't swim, i love to swim... but the thought of looking down upon another type of life felt like i'd be intruding on someone's life... and also because it's like being afraid of heights upside down... i'm not afraid of heights, but i can't, or couldn't conceive the idea of swiming with fishes... Antonio made sure i was calm... i saw starfishes bigger than my dinning table, goldfishes bigger that rocks and rocks that actually were just coral swaying slowly with the water... there were no sounds, no noise, no voices... just me and a chocolate colored hand in mine and billions of life beneath my body...

AND i found Nemo! i did, i did... he even winked at me.
it was probably the sun... he made me allucinate, but i swear it was Nemo.


tomorrow we're heading to Maputo... it's been a long month, a long trip down memory lane... and a great trip to my inner self.

vilanculos

i haven't been writing any dates on this "diary"... i wrote on the first post and then completely forgot... maybe unconciously i don't want to see how long it's been... but if i had remembered you'd noticed that between the last post, about Gorongosa and now, there has been a gap, a gap of almost 2 full days.

i'll explain why.
after fixing, or better, having had the flat tire fixed FOR us, by great people, i drove like a mad woman towards Vilanculos... between Gorongosa and Vilanculos there is the AMAZING DESERT of SOFALA... the desert of the SAVE RIVER, which on our way north almost left me out of breath, or at least until i discovered that the little jeep had airco.

the trip went well, no problems with the hotel reservations for on our way up we slept in the same hotel and reserved 3 more nights for a week later. the idea was to sleep 3 nights, 1 day for Vilanculos and 1 day for Bazaruto and Benguerra, after the 3rd night we'd get up very early and head to Maputo.

... i lost 1 day... or maybe i actually won one.

when we got to Vilanculos, already at night because no matter how many times i was told not to drive at night, it's almost impossible to arrive anywhere before 6pm, so, we got there with not a lot of trouble, i knew Vilanculos by heart now because of the other night and it made things easier to get to our own soft bed later. but A.T. was having a hard time with his stomach, he was wishing for a very private bathroom when there were still almost 200kms to arrive, and with that if you add a couple hundred craters in the middle of the road making easier for you to drive on the fields next to it than actually on it, you can imagine that all the shaking wasn't helping him. i tried, but i couldn't go faster than 11okm/h which was already a lot for such bad roads.

i laughed all the way though, A.T. was in pain and i laughed. talk about being punished for laughing at other people's suffering!!!!!
we arrived, A.T. used the toilet... which made me decide i'd go much later, let some air in, and we decided to go out for dinner earlier than usual. i was exhausted and i think he could use some sleep also, like children he can get a bit cranky.
so back to the main hotel restaurant and i ordered a hamburger... well the owners are from Zimbabwe, and i couldn't eat another "prego" or "frango piri-piri", and i ate it with apetite, very hungry...

it didn't take even 10minutes, i was in pain... my aunt Nelinha called me then asking the latest news, made fun of me eating a hamburger in Mozambique and wished me a good stay in Vilanculos... she was the last to talk to me before everything started going wrong. the pain in my belly reminded me of those awful period cramps i used to have before my surgery, and my head starting pounding worse than my daily migraines. i knew A.T. would've like to stay out a bit more, but my head starting spinning and i couldn't focused anymore.

back in out little cabin i couldn't figure out what was wrong so i took some digestive medicine, ENO, and hope i'd just burp this pain away. fat chance.
i had to lay down, hoping that it wouldn't make it worse, i started sweating and my head was pounding like there was a live concert of a bad band inside it.

sleep caught up with me after i think 30minutes, and i don't even remember A.T. kissing me goodnight, which probably also means he didn't but i hope he did. it didn't last long... i was awake at 00:00... ah ya, you don't know that i fell asleep at around 21:30... too early. anyway, at 00:00 i was turning and turning in the bed trying not to cry with so much pain... A.T. also woke up, upset telling me to just go sleep in the bathroom... i understand, i actually woke him up on purpose, i hate being awake by myself in the middle of night (don't tell him because he still thinks he wakes up by himself and voilá i just happen to be awake also), so i decided to swallow another spoon full of ENO, if i could just BURP!!!!!!!

in our room there were no spoons, vanished, so i dumped a "bit" of powder in a bottle of water, it was then i noticed the water i was drinking was the one i stole from the last hotel in Gorongosa, actually it was free but i still didn't ask if i could take it, it's name was NAMAACHA, so that's why there was no water in the waterfalls!!! i get it!
anyway... i drank that disgusting thing, and stayed for a few moments staring at the mirror praying that i would be ok in 5 seconds...
i burped...
i went back to bed.

01:30 - i woke up again with the urge of going to the bathroom, so i did... i was still walking ok. as i washed my hands and put some cold water on my face... my legs started shaking, i couldn't stand up anymore and i couldn't stop sweating cold sweats... i fell to the ground.
i don't recall exactly how long i was there, but i knew i was talking, i think i only said 3 words, "A.T." or "daddy" or "mommy", it was strange because i couldn't really understand what i was supposed to do to get up or to do anything... eventually he came in, he has this cappacity to just stand there as if it's all too wierd, so i know for sure that i got up on my own.

i also was able to walk back to bed, but i just couldn't stay put.
i had no strengh to fight the pain in my stomach and now the awful taste i had in my mouth...

4:00: i opened my eyes, stared at the ceiling for a second, decided to get up again and try again to go to the bathroom but stay up this time. no way jose!
i didn't even finish thinking of a strategy, that i was already on my side with everything i had eaten the previous day come out of me like a fountain. i even ran out of breath. i couldn't coordinate the vomit with my breathing so i started having an ashma attack and freaking out, trying to scream A.T.'s name and hoping he'd help me... tears even started coming out of my eyes, and in the meantime i was loosing my forces, i couldn't feel the arm that was holding me and my head from falling right in the middle of all that gooey stuff.

"go to the bathroom!" he shouted.
"i can't, i can't..."
so he helped... but as soon as i sat down on the ground with my head stuck in the toilet, he was gone. i couldn't figure out why.

he was so disgusted, that he went outside of the cabin, sat down on the porch and only came in almost 1hour later when i had thrown everything out of me and more, cleaned the bathroom, and cleaned the floor in our room, washed the mosquitonet hanging above the bed (they are so long that of course it was impossible not to get it dirty, and only when i told him everything was cleaned he was able to walk in... he said "i'm sorry"... but to this day i have never felt so shocked. no matter how gross it could've been i would've never left him alone and i felt ashamed for having been sick.

of course, at that moment i only wanted to get back to sleep, try to at least arrive to the morning and hope that i could talk to someone who would know a great medicine to not let it happen again. and again i was wrong, i slept until 9:00, i think in total i slept 5hours and badly, i woke up with a fever and the right side of my boby completely numb. my neck was so sore and my head about to explode. there was no way i was getting out of bed.

malaria?

everyone who called me that day got the same report i just gave you, every detail because someone had to give me a clue of what was happening, i needed to get up so A.T. and i could go to the islands, it was my birthday present to him, but like this i just couldn't. i think i cried all day, when he wasn't looking i cried because i felt useless and i felt that i was stopping him from doing whatever he felt like. he can't drive, and doesn't want to learn how to, so basically means he was stuck with me... thankfully he went out to the beach for the afternoon, which was just 3m from our front door, while the owner of our lodge stayed with me, gave me cookies, gasless coca-cola, tee, water and some biscuits. and also a few drugs!

i couldn't wait any longer, called a few people, even without a voice and with all my boby aching i called a few people from Mozambique and Portugal and got a contact of a doctor here in Vilanculos, he was not working anymore and i'd have to wait for the morning to get a proper Malaria test.
Malaria????!!!! really?
oh goodness, that would mean that i'd have to miss out going to the islands, that A.T. was going to stay here bored one more day... i confessed to the owner of the lodge that i was feeling like crap that he couldn'te go to the islands, i didn't care anymore, all i wanted was to get back to Maputo and be close to people i know.
she was kind enought to offer to drive me to the hospital in Vilanculos the next morning, and pick me up afterwards. she also offered me a free night and she put our names in a list of the passengers of a boat that would be heading out to Bazaruto the day after.
basically she allowed me to still give A.T. his birthday gift, and allowed him not to regret this whole trip.

this meant that we stayed 4 night in Vilanculos. 1 day i was in bed all day, vomiting and not able to move anything on my right side. 1 day to visit what they call a hospital, having a blood test in the middle of dozens of people, they have beautiful babies by the way, you should've seen the hospital... gosh, there are things you just can't get them to understand... but then again, why worry about nurses who wash the patient bedsheets on the ground when they're all dying of AIDS? the day of the hospital visit, it was funny now that i think about it, i tried walking to the beach and getting a bit of sun, tried to explain to everyone that it hadn't been malaria but probably the water NAMAACHA which had been declared filthy for human beings, but i ended up drinking 3 litters of it! if felt good to go outside though... and seeing for the first that amazing blue people talk about when they visit paradises.

i found it to be beautiful... and i found out that the reason A.T. was gone for so long the day i stayed in bed, was because he had found already a new friend... another dog!

this time, i think his promise to take his driver's license is for real...

parque nacional da gorongosa

So until now, no sight of elephants, or lions for that matter... none whatsoever... where were these beasts? Weren't they supposed to just walk around amongst humans all over Africa? It's not like they can hide, can they??

After arriving at Gorongosa National Park, already after dark even though it were only 5pm... my goodness can night be dark in Africa... we ate and went into our cabin, but because after 9pm the park shuts off its generator, lights must be out, so all you can really do is either be inside sleeping, or outside looking at that amazing sky. It's hard to take pictures of such a sky, but I guess that's what and african sky must be like, it's only for those who look up and stay there staring... for those who take time to try to count how many stars there are, because here there are a lot more, so much more, you don't know from which to start wishing.

It tooks us about 20minutes to realise that we were still there, standing in the darkness, with our necks hurting from looking up... we were speechless, tired, exhausted, and speechless. no words in my vocabulary could start describing it... and the most beautiful thing of all was remembering something my daddy use to always tell us to make us confused "girls, the moon in Africa is always smiling!"

Again, he wins... the moon smiles every single night. It stays there for hours on end with the biggest smile... he was right, he was lucky to have seen it for so long... he was able to make us jeaulous, but I was able to see it for myself.

Life at the Gorongonsa starts early... be it because you sleep so early with the lights out, or be it because those freaky monkeys wake you up with their wild parties right at around 4am... you know... I thing I like them better in the zoo!

They tell us not to feed the animals that might come near the cabins... and I thought monkeys would only come for food if they were taught to get it from humans... not really, it's in their instinct to smile and do funny-monkey things to steal food from you... so in reality, in the zoo, when they steal stuff from your hand it's not a trick they've learned from the zoo keeper... it's in their blood!
Anyway... enough about monkeys. We decided to do our first SAFARI. Yeah... I never thought I'd do such a thing, kind of makes me feel ridiculous sitting in a jeep with a lot of people trying to spot animals... all I wanted was to see an actual elephant.
The jeep was empty, just Jonathan the driver, a blond blue-eyed Zimbabweian, me and A.T. It looked even more weird to be in such a big "car" where you basically jumped from side to side whenever you drove through a tough road... ALWAYS!
We saw a lot of birds, Joanathan tried, but sorry birds aren't really my thing, but I did spot a lot of different ones, sometimes I did it on my own... nevertheless I was just looking for elephants. Bambis were also all around us, they get scared of turists, so out of the 200 I saw I was only able to photograph about 90.
Also Pumbas (well it's not my fault you haven't seen "the lion king", just the best walt disney old-fashioned movie ever) were following us, also scared of turists, but I was able to photograph them more... but boy, are these creatures UGLY!!!! really, besides being actually of a dark gray color, with long rat-hair, they also walk around with dry mud all over their bodies to capture the bugs that live on them... they also run like girls shaking their hair out of their eyes, and they should go to a dentist... really, such a dissapointment... I really thought I would get an autograph from the Pumba in the movie, but I was glad we were far away.

Crocodiles... yes, I did see one... well I saw one, and then next to it I saw another pair of eyes, which probably would mean there was another one next to it, but because I'm really scared of crocodiles, I like to think it was just 1.
Monkeys, of course... so many it was almost too much, I made a few movies, and really these animal are very funny at times... there were a lot of mommies with tiny babies on their backs. good to know they're keeping themselves busy out here.

Lions? none
Giraffes? not even one
Buffalos? there aren't any yet
Hippos? ...
Zebras? do they actually exist?

"...I really just came for the elephants. Jonathan could you please call one to show up just for the picture, really it's a bit embarassing going back to europe and having no pictures of my favorite big animal...
by the way, what's that gigantic hole in the ground, has there been a meteor shower here lately??? ah ah ah ah"
"that is an elephant footprint"

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH RUUUUUNNNNNN!"

Ok so I panicked, you should've seen the size of that thing, I don't care if I never see an elephant, I'll just tell my kids the only elephant they should see is Dumbo.
...a few days amongst the wild creatures of Africa. So all I actually got to see to be proud of, were 2, I mean 1 crocodile and too many monkeys for 1 human being... and a giant Dumbo footprint.
Not bad. I guess it takes 2 trips to Gorongosa to see more.
The Carr Foundation is making sure anyone who ever visits this beautiful place will one day see what they always dreamed of seeing, the real wild life of Africa. They have 30 years to do it, we have all our lifes to make it happen, and why not even help them. Just going there and learning of the amazing work they're doing already helps so much.
Plus, the 1rst class treatment you get at the CHITENGO lodge, is worth all the rest, such as monkeys in your front yard, Pumba's breaking through the fence of the lodge pool and the funny flat tire I found on my jeep the morning I had to drive 600kms to Vilanculos.

I guess in Mozambique, you can't really predict too much, we wanted to leave at 5am, we ended up leaving at 8am... I didn't even have to sweat and lift a finger (which just basically means I still can't change a tire, I'm one of the best woman-driver parking ;), but don't ask to change a tire... I didn't even see it was flat!), there were about 6 men doing it for me.
Ah the beauty of holidays!!!

...little did I know that holidays sometimes have very non-beautiful moments... i'll see you in Vilanculos.

machipanda

Before lifting off from Lisbon to Maputo, I warned Aldo and hugged him, I told him he'd have to be patience with me... or at least for what could be me in such an important place. You don't control your emotions, and I knew somewhere in this endless country I would shead a tear.
I guess I imagined it would be in the great beaches of Tofinho, or the 1920's house in Beira, probably not Maputo, but maybe even Manica with the big pool... no. I was wrong, and looking back, Machipanda was the place it had to happen.

This was the town that made me cry. (great for a book title)

We were driven there by this Canadian colonist wanna-be, a funny man, wearing socks 'till his knees, with the weirdest accent I've heard, A.T. only smiled, sometimes worried he's be saying "sim" when he should've said "não senhor". This.... oh, I forgot his name... hmmm, I hope it comes back to me, anyway he drove us there in his wear-out jeep, one of those with the continuous seat in front and an open back... well, dargeling, girls, if you ever sit in a jeep such as this one, remember: THE SHIFTS ARE IN THE MIDDLE! yup, I sat in the middle, thinking it'd be cool to sit there... not when the driver needs to put the 4th shift!!!!!! really, it's really scary to have someone suddenly going with their elbow straight to your... well, you know. Actually on the way back, A.T. sat there... he says boys shouldn't either!!!!

Mr. What's-the-name drove us there, asked by the guy who thought he's in charge, to give me a tour of what I could find once belonged to my past. As you drive in this town you literally see the entrance and the exit, you see it's limits, and you understand how small it is.
It did remind me of my mother's parents' town in Portugal, Soalheira, close to Fundão in the Serra da Gardunha (i think). Around Machipanda there are amazing big hills, just around the corner is Zimbabué, it looks peaceful from here...
I think I was able to count 3 streets... a few roads, about 20 houses, and the thing they're so proud of, the train station. Now, this station was once the connection between Zimbabué (Rodésia) and the Indian Ocean, it made it possible for the english merchandise to reach the port of Beira and from there the ports of the world. Not bad for such a tiny town.

My mother was born in Beira, just like her sister, but they lived here all their childhood... as you can see, I did this backwards. This is where I thought she lived with lions, and elephants and snakes... but all I saw were a few fat chickens and a bunch of scary-cat monkeys. Really, monkeys! again...

I guess, until you see where they live, and where they grew up, maybe the school where they did all sorts of bad things, and where they learned to read, the pool where they swam, the beach where they dreamed, the tree where they kissed or the road they had an accident, all you can do is smile, take the photo and tell them "it's still here mom, really your elementary school desk is still here!"

...but when you walk into a place, a place such as the "11th November" bar that my grandpa built and served in as his hobby giving free drinks to my mom's friends (not to the boyfriends) when they visit. the bar my granpa gave to a man when he decided to run away from what would be a very long war and revolution. He gave that man his bar, all the papers, gave him a transfer of ownership, gave him money and told him to try to make his living on it.

what happens when you walk in a place like this and recognize from the pictures the bar, the dark wood bar with the high stools and see this small man with light gray eyes looking at you... behind him 20 bottles of whisky... there was nothing I could do but say "bom dia, I'm the grandaughter of Mateus Paulo Duarte"

"ah menina, a sua mãe esteve cá no dia 17 de fevereiro de 2004. lembro-me muito bem. sabe devia dizer ao seu avô para cá vir. eu queria que ele visse que tenho tomado conta disto."
("ah, your mother was here on the 17th of february of 2004. I remember it well. You should tell your grandfather to come here, I'd like him to see how well I've taken of this bar.")

of course you can't say these things to me and not think it wouldn't touch deep in my heart... because if you did, you don't know me. I cried... not just because it was a surprise to hear this man speak of my grandfather not knowing he has been dead for 12 years... but because I didn't even expect to see anyone on this trip who'd speak of him... he spoke like grandpa Mateus would be there in 5 minutes... he even added "you should also tell him that we have save all these years the trees he planted.."

ok stop... it hurts now. I cried in front of him, and in front of the kids who were there, because I missed him so much right then and there, I remembered him, and for a few minutes outside of that bar and looking out at his lovely cute small house I could hear him calling me, I could almost smell him. I actually think he was watching me. Hard to explain, but almost as if everyone, my mom, aunt and grandparents somehow found a way to make me really realise that all of this was real. I guess I hadn't understood how much this could affect me... but it did.

You can never doubt the importance, and the power of small towns... Machipanda is tiny, has a long name, it's also my mother's email address, but it's the biggest place in my heart in all of this travelling.

The canadian also drove us to Penhalonga... the most secretly kept botanical garden. trees longer than the distance from earth to heaven. Green leafs greener than mother nature. Air as pure as I never thought possible... I even choked with it... city girl!

We didn't stay long, almost as if there was a timer there telling us to leave so that the secret could still be kept within those hills and trees... it's a pity, but then again, it's a secret I know about now.
I couldn't stay long so I asked to drive us back to Manica where we were sleeping, Chimoio, ex-Vila Pery was our next pit-stop, I had to go in search of my mother's Boarding School, ah ok... now let's go.
We were heading towards our first non-family-related visit, the National Park of Gorongosa, we were about to see the real savanah, or we hoped.
They tell you knot to drive at night, but it was during that night, actually at 17:25, pitch black already, that I reached my 2000kms.

and I'm still alive... my butt though isn't.

Brian... that's his name!!!!

manica

Manica is the name i'll give my child... not as a first name, as a second name... it's a name. Out of all the places I have been to in my life, there has never been a place where just as I pronounce the word I feel like I'm about to meet someone. That someone might just be my first little girl. She will inherit a second name that will make my mother and her big sister prouder than ever. She can do anything but with a name like that, they'll forgive them forever. With this, my good deeds in life will be done with! ;)

We arrived in this little telenovela lookalike town on my sister's birthday, the moment I saw that sign "MANICA" I knew it was the moment to say "happy birthday" to someone who'd understand why I'd have pick that spot. I was about to enter the real childhood of my mommy. Actually my mother did not spend her chldhood here, it was more her teenagehood, she went away to Boardingschool in Vila Pery, now known as Chimoio (which has already been chosen as our second child's second name if it's a boy... Umbeluzi just doesn't do it for us!), where she was VERY well behaved............ NOT!!!! while her parents lived in Manica. Not bad for spending your school holidays and ocasionally weekends, huh?
Was it fun waking up to this beautiful mountains and hills? Do you realize you simply forgot to tell me there were mountains in Mozambique? Africa? You always let me believe that you lived in places called "mato" in the sense lions were your pets, and elephants ate in your back garden... ok, you never told me that, but when you and Titi told me that you lived in places where you didn't even wear shoes, I presumed that meant you were part of the Tarzan and Mogli family...
no?
...hmmm... let me reprogramme my mind... ok, so I imagine that the pool you swam in on weekends wasn't a pond, huh? yes... I know, it was this huge Olympic pool... clean as you'd never imagined after 30 years, but still humangous. This was where you flirted with the town boys? This is where Titi gave her first kiss? I bet grandpa Mateus was happy for that, as he watched from his designed and contructed (yup, no architects in the family just wannabes!!) MANICA LODGE (known as MOINHOS back then) office window. I was very proud to see that whoever took it in charge, took care of it very well, the little windmill suites don't have their white sails anymore, but they look very cute, and in a country where Zimbabueians (??) are conquering all the hotels and lodges by storm, it was very conforting to know these people are keeping it comfy and cute, just like I'd imagine grandpa would.

I can't get over these mountains... was it always like this? Are you really sure mom this is the same Manica you lived in????? It's so wierd!!!

Oh... there's a monkey crossing the road!!!!!! aaaaahhhhhhhh ok, NOW, this is where you lived! uffa... I thought i'd have to give my child another name!

By the way, did I tell you my aunt had her 1rst comunion in this beautiful church (someone told me it was a cathedral... hmmm), abandoned... but on a hill. With a "via sacra", imitating the ones in Braga, really I'm not bragging, it was really like that, where you can see the whole town and almost a peek of Zimbabué...

and I thought this country wouldn't surprise me.
from city, to beach, to desert, to sweaty weather, to beach again, to smaller cities, to hills and to mountains... from total deserted places to green as nature should.

Manica touched me like any other place, in it's own particular way. Simply simple. The people I was in contact with weren't what I'd say, hospitable... actually I don't need to be nice, he wasn't at all the type of person I'b ever be around to, but my grandpa was his father's friend, really good friends, and of course I thought he would sit down with me and let me know everything I should about life back then. Well... to him, it had no importance what so ever... he showed the houses my family lived in, showed that church, showed the pool, showed the post office (?)... but from his car, driving at 200km/h, yelling at anyone who crossed our path, called people by their color, was rude, agressive, and surprisingly enough thought of himself as the king of Manica.
This I make a point to tell you because to me one of the saddest things I noticed in Mozambique, a lot of people who stayed after the independence, which I think is very honorable, believing in their state as a Mozanbican, now are most of it BOSSES, they just boss anyone around. All in the name of trying to impress. They didn't understand when I offered to washed my clothes by hand in a basin, he ordered the others to do it for me. I couldn't wait in line, because they'd make me pass in front of everyone, and couldn't understand when I'd refuse to.
"you're not very used to this are you?" they'd asked... well, not really and I'm in no hurry or in no place to be better or first than anyone... and it DOESN'T IMPRESS ME!

And to think so many people stayed to change the country from colonialism, and now, look where some are, doing eaxctly the same thing and even worse, not even looking around you. Of course probably for him he can afford to be like this because Manica is a tiny town... I guess you'd lower your little balls if you had to share!

Anyway... here in this green garden I saw a little bit of what people can really be in their worse, and apologizing to my mother, I told her that Manica dissapointed me. But I guess the people don't make the places, maybe places make people...

But then again, my grandparents lived there and were happy there for many years...
which makes me sure that because of that, my little girl will have MANICA in her name.
...will you still be her godmother?

to my dargeling

www.rainhasdolar.com

just because you're you... a big windy happy birthday
bicuka..

beira 02

Beira is as delicate as the sand on it beach, it's soft to the eyes, to the heart, it's as gentle as the wind that you feel in the morning.
It may seem like a bunch of crap to you, but that's how it seemed to me there. It was so easy to imagine living there, with a small house, garden, kids running around, it's easy to imagine you'd be calm and relaxed over there.
I decided to stay a day more than I had planned, I needed to feel that peace for one more day... one more morning, one more very hot afternoon. I needed to still search for something... something I'd been dreaming about for a very long time.
No, it wasn't just that almost white sand, that soft feeling of being able to walk on it in bare feet... nor the extension of those beaches. It wasn't the presence of that adorable lighthouse, which at night fills the beach with it's warning light, or the abbandoned houses right by the beach front just calling out for us... or me at least. It's impressive how quick I can calculate how much money it would cost to leave everything and come and live here. It wasn't even the rotted ship Macuti, which was put purposely put in the sand in front of the lighthouse as to protect the sand dunes from overfloods, to save the beach someone ingeniously thought of picking up a sunken ship below water and put it back on earth... but with a lifesentence, to save the beach. It's motor is impressively big, you wonder how gigantic it was when you see it's detail... but, even in my mother's childhood photos, it's there... noone could tell me more.
Maybe you'd think it was the actual Macuti Church, made in the 50's or 60's, I think, I'm actually making this up, but it's from that era for sure, you can tell... built practically on the beach, it is falling apart because of the salt from the ocean. The staircase outside is hanging by a thread, literally and it's amazing how the steal columns are still holding the roof. Destruction apart... it is absolutely breathtaking. And, detail I love, has it's own outside church... prepared for every season! It serves as a school, and very lucky those kids are... unless it falls, which by the way, I offer my services to restore it... I'll do it for free, well actually, I'll do it for a couple of hours at the beach per day! good for me!

But no... I wasn't looking for things things specifically in Beira. In 1921, a little girl was born here, the first of my family to be born overseas, the cute adorable girl who dreamed of being a pilot and flying, just like those after her, daddy and me, and who because of her grandaughters, decided to give up her dream, put away those wings and take care of us. Well, as much as I appreciate all those "croquetes" you've made grandma, I'd prefer you flying me around the world!!!
Anyway... that little girl, 86 years ago (i won't say 86 and 1/2, because it's good to keep her young) was born in a house, she told me it was after a bridge, a steal bridge, designed by Eifel...

She, and any of us, really imagined that 86 years after, that bridge, the one she claims was very close to her house, would end up collapsing, and being deslocated to the other side of town, or at least, if you stand where the bridge is now... there is no way you'll find that house... so, I decided to call her LIVE... but then I thought maybe it's better, if I have to spend so much money calling home, then I need the call to be efective: I called her sister. She's 10 years younger, almost, and has the memory of my huge exterior hard disk, she's a walking encyclopedia and my "google" for any subject... and I even found out that also her was born in the same house.
I expected the simple confirmation of "yes it's close to the bridge" or "no it's not". But like google, she'll be precise if the subject is interesting. "where are you?... ah, ok, so turn left at the bridge, go to the end of the street, you should find a white tower, it looks like a firemen exercise tower, but instead it was built to be the bell tower of the first Catholic Church of Beira, but apparently was never constructed, way before our time, it's white and it used to have a flag I think, now if you are standing in what seems like the front of it, then you look to the left, and you should see a house with an antique zinc roof..................."

Well, one more minute and I'd practically could've walked in and found my way to the actual bed they were born in... but the it was... still standing... filled with people who evaporated giggling as soon as I asked if they wanted to be in the photo, colors all over the place, but there it was.
I have a picture of my greatgrandfather, and his little girl, sitting on it's front steps... and here I am, 86 years later, standing in front of it's door... was there one???
I guess there are things in life you will never be able to explain to others, things like knowing where people you have grown to love have been... my children will probably never do this trip themselves, they won't probably fly off to Mozambique in search of their mother's, father's, grandparents', uncle's, aunt's, friend's past here, but they will know all the stories I lived, and if one day they come to Antwerp in search of this tiny appartment I'm in, then I want them to feel like this. That in one second, that second... it all made sense.

Beira made sense... it always will.