29.07.2005 - 29.07.2008

A.T. called me tonight telling me that being in Antwerp amongst all those boxes of clothes and books, of our life was killing him, he said "it was bound to happen, i still hadn't realized that we're actually doing this" as i listened to him i noticed that i had never realized that this must be as hard for him as it is for me. he's always so together, everything is always so well, give 'im a beer and he'll get through it.

but how can any of the two of us get through this "just like that" when today is the 3rd year anniversary of the day we started something new together? how can we get past this day and not shed a tear, or panic, or remember, or even just think about what we've already been through, or imagine what will be next?

i remember so many things. i remember that first night when we arrived when it rained like there wouldn't be a tomorrow, how the thunder roared, how dark it was. i remember sleeping that first night on the floor of our living room, realizing that the window was so big i thought i was sleeping outside, i remember waking up and opening my eyes and seeing that horrible fireplace and thinking i had to cover it one day (that's how the search ended when i found a great window to put in front of it), realizing we still had so much to do in that small appartment. i remember 8days of non stop labour of painting, scrubbing, putting furniture together, cleaning and finally sitting down in our couch, looking at our masterpiece "the calendar" and realizing both of us "this is our home now"
for 3 years we added on to that white canvas, it was a continuous work, but it was a work of love. to me i'm sure worked as herapy, i was upset a lot about the bad weather, the cold almost made me deaf, but that appartment kept me going. everything i bought or made for it, made me realize the best thing of moving is being able to put your personality in everything you do. i'm sure people walked in and saw me and him in those colors, on those walls, on small details such as chairs, flowers, kitchen utensils, objects, anything really. i'm sure we were both present in that "home" even if we were out.

it is a shame that the friends we have in Lisbon or Milan didn't get to see this part of "us". they didn't see us as we are now, they saw us either individually or together but in situations that helped us get to where we are now... and that is the reason why i know Antwerp will always be better. it isn't a competition, it's just a fact. we had the liberty of chosing any city in any country to live in, and together we choose Antwerp, and it had nothing to do with the health system, or the salaries, or of course the weather... it just was. and i'm sure any other city would have given us as much pleasure and happiness, but because of our choices, Antwerp is now our "special place, our home" and that will always be with us.
so, my loving A.T., that is why it couldn't have happened any other day than today. we couldn't have chosen another day if we wanted than this one.
the anniversary of the day we chose ANTWERPEN.

sofia_antónio 26.07.2008

so they're married, on their way to asia on their apparently very busy honeymoon...
the wedding couldn't have been sweeter. she looked so relaxed, so happy without being too much, almost as if this was what she just had to do today amongst all other things.
he also looked so happy, so in love but so himself, when asked "how was it?" he answered "it was cute!" like he had also been this happy for a long time.

my manicurist said to me while painting my nails in hot purple "people nowadays get married knowing that they can always get divorced", she doesn't know Sofia and Antonio, she has never seen them together. she has no idea how serene they are and how at the same time happy and loving. they will definitely stay together forever. he will always take care of her, and she will always keep him smiling. that's our Sofia...

changing to gossip now, our "wedding group" was so well dressed, mind you we never dress badly!!!! yellows and reds by Miss Ritinha, green bluish by Miss Celia, flowers by Miss Luisa, purples and grays by Miss Catia and last but not least HOT PINK by Miss Portugal! of course i will send photos to those who are dying to see me in my beautiful candy dress!!! ;)

i had a great time and i'm sure we will remember this forever... i'm sure they will keep surprising us but making us like always feel part of their lives. and kids, by the way... we want nieces and nephews, one for each of the future Godmothers!!!

may this last forever...

1 week and a few days... by myself

it's been 24hours that i packed my bags and picked myself up and said "i need to leave... i need to breathe". these last 6 years have taught me so much about myself and this last week almost ruined the positive effect those 6 years left on me. so the result of 8 shity days was exactly this... me, myself and i in my cosy little appartment in the centre of Lisbon with just my things.

i can see the river from my window, just a bit, just enough... but i know it's there, right around the corner. i feel it in the light that flows through the window, i smell it in the air that blows the curtains. it's there. it's here.

the morning is filled with the city noise, no more of the noise of people yelling, getting angry and saying things i hope they'll regret. here it's the birds and the children from the school next door i hear. they wake up early it's true!!!
the closest are empty, holding just a few of my things. the kitchen has just a few of my favorite snacks, and my favorite diet foods... and ice cream!! 'cause you gotta have ice cream.

i have already walked up and down these hills and felt the sun warming up, used the bus, the tram, have enjoying just being here. discovered new bookshops (also made lists of what i'd like to use in mine), new coffee places, i'm still thinking of where it's best to go for breakfast, but i'm having a hard time with it... i just to try every single place and then decide.

i went to the notary to get my signature recognized in the documents i need to send to the Ministry of Work in Maputo. I'm really doing this. Next week i send everything... including the contract! SIGNED!
ui...

in the meantime, i have hills to climb and coffees to drink... and a wedding to get ready for saturday. this time i'm wearing: fucsia dress, purple shoes, violet belt and violet bag... it'll be very nice to see another friend, Sofia getting what she wants and deserves... happiness.
and i deserve a night out with the girls.

but tonight's thursday. it's also a night to party in lisbon, so i need to take a shower and get dressed (i'm in my bikini because it's so hot!) and get going...
i'm back

1 week... gone

this week was the biggest emotional rollercoaster. you'd think because i'm leaving Antwerp and moving to Mozambique being here would have some meaning. It would somehow make sense.
not really... actually, none at all.

Lisbon has nothing to do with it. Family has everything. From being considered obese to having my dreams crushed everything has happened, and all because i have been very far away where poeple don't judge, where people let me be. The hardest part of leaving to anywhere... is letting others interfere. They don't say "you can't go" but they can say "for what?" not realizing who we are anymore.

6 years have given me everything i thought i had and didn't and everything that makes me happy. this is just a place.... just like any other. And Lisbon will be my place soon, but as long as they don't see it, this isn't IT.

first step to the future

fly home to lisbon

on my way to you

this is it. it's here... the first goodbye. i'll be back in 5 weeks and i'm sure so much will change until then... and here i am desperately holding on to so many things. i know there is still so much to do, so much to miss, and right now it is all so overwhelming.

i am trying very hard not to let go... but at the same time if i hold on to everything here i won't be able to open my arms again to... home.

antwerp, please wait for me, this isn't my final goodbye... it will never be.

tot ziens a'pen, tot 19 augustus!!!

5 days to lisbon

there have been a lot of countdowns lately in my life, you and the other girls have made it possible to always at the beginning of the day have a small countdown to our next big event.
it started with the weekend in Dublin, then with Celia's wedding, then with you moving back to Lisbon... then with Sofia's wedding... and even though this last one still will go on for another 15 days, in 4 days i will be going home.

i keep thinking this is ok. this is just the first step of a very long goodbye. but i can't help but be sad. everytime i have something planned these last days, it's the last time. i will be back in one month, but then it will only another 10 days for me stay here, and saying goodbye in a hurry isn't the way i'd preferred doing this.

i've got TO DO lists that keep growing because everyday i realize something else needs to be done, or written, or said or signed, or closed, or packed. and still i think i haven't done anything.

still to do:
- pick up University documents
- pick up Board of Architects documents (and pay my bill)
- Standard CV
- close the electricity account
- close the tv account
- close internet account
- close bank account
- sell furniture

these things take time and i feel that i still haven't got enough of it.

maybe i should just see this trip to lisbon, as what it really is for now, another holiday. greet says in order to not get sad "you're just going for a holiday like you always do... so this isn't goodbye... yet"
that's what it is... why be so sad now?
because cookie girl will be 7 months when i come back and she'll be able to sit up straight and maybe even put her feet on the floor and giggle so much more.
i'll be back... but now i've got bags to do, because in a way i know you're there with all the girls waiting for me and that means that i'll be sad for just a little bit.

catalog 2005-2008

i'm selling my stuff. it's going pretty well, i have most things sold, other things i've decided to just give away... others still need to make someone convinced that they need these things. like the sofa. doesn't anyone need a sofa?

didn't think it'd be so much work being a small version of IKEA!






so this catalog has been fun though, putting it together, watching people's reaction to what we've managed to collect over these 3 years. some things mean a lot to me and to A.T. and some things are hard to give up.
but we really can't be bothered with taking everything with us to Mozambique or even to Lisbon in september.
so this is a sort of a tribute to what we lived here. this way, one day when i come back i'll see my t stuff being used to it's best value.




maybe rosie will use the coffee tables as her doll-tea-party table. i like to think she'll grown up the next 2 years using them, or the blankets i've put aside for her, or that her bedroom will be vaccumed with my so dear vaccum-cleaner!
and i also need the money and what better way to do it than with a much modern version of an american garage sale. if only IKEA would hire our graphic skills!!!! eheheheh

if you find something in this catalog that is to your liking please let me know, i'll see if it's still available. but remember you can only want something if you live in belgium... i am not selling anything that then has to travel to another country... that is not the point of this whole process.

dreaming limbo

i had a dream (yes so did u martin) last night where i had just bought this enormous barn, i didn't actually pay for it, i just know it was mine, where i strated putting in everything i loved about A'pen.

i stuffed it like so it almost burst at the seams, and you'd think i had nothing to stuff it with, no sir, i had plenty, between good breakfast places, i counted 4, good dinner places, those are about... 12, good lunch bars, 6, coffee places, 3, places i'd go if i couldn't go to the places i really wanted, probably 6, shops... hmmm my favorite, 18, places i hate but are part of my memories, about 3... bookshops, 2 (only because antwerp is missing a few of these). i put in miniture sized streets, miniature sized crossroads, miniature sized squares... and stret corners, and traffic lights (did you know that on valentine's day they put hearts in the red lights?? cool huh? ya i know, corny but still i put them inside my barn).
oh what else. no, not people, they were al standing there behind me watching as i picked and stored away so many things. i just put clones of the guys of the REVISTA bar so that i'd have copies of them and it doesn't count as people!!! why? 'cause... duh!

and after all this was packed away it just all of a sudden got swollowed by earth, as in planet earth. it dissapeard like it meant nothing. it got eaten by the ground. i couldn't believe it... but seeing that all the people i would've wanted to pack away in that same barn with the revista guys were still there, with the same habits, smiles, gossip stories and ticks i had this feeling of tranquility. in a way maybe it just meant that, in the future when i come back to Antwerp, it probably will have change a lot, maybe nothing will ever be the same, but they will all be there.
i guess when i go back to Milan that is what conforts me. and even in Lisbon, seeing all of thos who i grew up with makes me want to be there. it doesn't mean that they haven't done anything, they just adapted their lives to this city that will keep moving... and i think that is much braver that leaving.

...or maybe the dream meant that whatever i try to get organized, and ticked off my TO DO LIST, one moment i'll look and it will all be gone, i'll take care of burocratic stuff and then i'll fall down the stairs and i can't leave anymore, or Portugal will declare that girls that know how to make cupcakes shouldn't leave the country, or i'll be discovered by Martha Stewart and they'll exile me to New York...
and all the people i should've put in that barn will be whistling away ignoring me...

this dream interpreting business will one day give me a heart attack.

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